Wikipedia Entry:

Clown Herds: A specific family group, or loose association, of migrating clowns who follow food supplies and seasonal availability of crops along a broad itinerary that follows no simple or predictable pattern. As a result, clown-herds often come into conflict with farmers, inhabitants of small towns, and highway authorities, as well as local municipal governments, who regard them as a nuisance species.

                                                           Genealogy:

It all started with a circus clown named Poop, who after being launched (or ‘pooped,’) by a cannon, with too much gunpowder, in a travelling circus show in 1957, was killed—along with a tame Indian elephant named Barney Fife, who was eating salted peanuts out of a large bucket by the bleachers near the side of the stage. The clown had overshot his small plastic pool due to the power of the blast. Strangely, ‘Poop’ was the first clown to innovate the art of being shot out of a cannon; and, over time, as the breach became larger, and the charge more explosive, Poop was shot further and further into the air; in a process similar to the mechanics of amoebic-dysentery; until, at his highest point, he was tickling the underside of the tent top. It was only a matter of time before someone goofed up, and when someone finally did, the clown paid the price. A lengthy investigation found the death of Poop to be accidental, but clowns all over the country remained suspicious, and began demanding new safety procedures. After all, clowns everywhere knew that they too, could end up like Poop, in any number of ways; and, that there was a little bit of Poop in every clown.

In the ensuing years, many circuses folded, due to various economic woes, and clowns of all varieties began to accumulate and form into groups called ‘Clown-Herds.” This included dropouts from clown colleges that went defunct in the clown recession, and clowns with long criminal histories; as well as pseudo-clowns, men pretending to be clowns to get out of failed marriages and child-support payments, as well as those simply evading the law. These extended clown families began as circus dwellers but have, over time, become nomadic, subsisting mostly on scrounged food and wild foliage.

                                                             Migration and Foraging Patterns:

Many of these herds can be seen at night crossing rural highways and turnpikes, and have become particularly numerous in the Midwestern states of Ohio and Indiana, where new safety measures have been adopted over the last several years to protect clowns and motorists alike. In Ohio—particularly hard hit by a slew of CIA’s (Clown Induced Accidents)—county officials in certain heavily impacted areas have lobbied for ‘Clown-Crossing’ signs. This is because accidents involving clowns and motor vehicles, especially large trucks and busses, have increased exponentially over the last several decades, reaching a peak in 2012, when over 452 semi-flattened clown corpses were removed by Clown Removal Crews,  also known as ‘Clown Scrapers’ (or CRC’s), working the Ohio Turnpike. The clown-carrion is usually donated by the state to local jails and penitentiaries, where—if one is to take the pronouncements of the wardens and administrators at face value—“they make a good, nutritious meal.” Still, even in the midst of such inadvertent methods of population control, the number of clowns has risen to unprecedented levels.

                                                           Civic Responses to Clown-Herds:

In nearby Steuben County Indiana they have developed their own unique solutions to this problem. There is now, an extended clown-hunting season; something that hunters have been promoting for some time, as clown meat is a popular entrée at local barbecues. This has stimulated other parts of the local economy as well, such as customized hunting accouterments, particularly the marketing and manufacture of accessories used on sport vehicles. A punk rock band from Fort Wayne, known as “Clown Rack,” has immortalized one of these ingenious devices, the new extended length roof-racks, usually seen on pickup trucks and SUV’s, which are slightly larger than those used for deer carcasses. In fact, Clown hunting is extremely popular all over the Midwest, and the large population of errant clown herds, who cause millions of dollars in crop and home damage across the rural Midwest every year because of corn plant nibbling and occasional hibernation atop barns and house roofs, have led state officials from as far afield as Kansas and Minnesota to give their blessings and declare the entire fall season open for Clown-Culling, as they prefer to call it

                                                         Clowns as a Usable Resource:

Concomitant of such shifts in attitude towards a species once noted for its pratfalls, nose-honks and tendency to pile into Volkswagens, as well as its gift for antagonizing Lions and Elephants, is the explosion in clown-tossing, clown-cuisine—specifically restaurants, specializing in clown dishes, not to mention the widespread availability of clown-steaks and stir-fry mixes—and even clown-zoos and water parks. In fact, the newest fad along these lines is the practice of diving for undersea clowns. The latter may have achieved its explosive popularity because of a recent X-Bot channel cable show called “Spear-Fishing for the elusive Deep-Sea Bozo, with Shaquille O’Neill and Steven Segal.”

                                                          Clown-Evolution:

The runaway success of this form of clown-based entertainment is partially the result of a resurgence in fascination with this often annoying species, and its rapid evolution into many distinct families; which include, in addition to marine-clown species, Clown-Reptiles, Birds, Marsupials and several previously unknown varieties of Clown-Rodentia, including the Bloated Central Asian Clown Mouse, the only species of clown or rodent known to occasionally dine on ordinary humans. Evolutionary Biologists hypothesize that rapid clown evolution in both herding behavior and speciation has progressed exponentially because of an underlying genetic predisposition in clown-DNA towards rapid adaptation of assimilative traits. Despite this ability, there is much disagreement over whether this makes clowns intelligent, or merely—as David C. Nestlor of the Harvard Clown Research Project puts it—“mindlessly programmed to transform into an endless hodge-podge of silly, and sometimes ridiculous, varieties. This is sort of like the diversity seen in yogurt flavors or Oreo cookies, neither of which has any intelligence, even though the former has live cultures.”

Other researchers take a slightly different view however. Paoli Sistler of Berkley’s renowned Center for the Study of Marine Wildlife, points out that the overnight evolution of one or two known terrestrial clown species into a variety of Fish, Aquatic Mammals and even water Fowl, is the most rapid transitioning and branching out through natural selection that he’s ever seen. “Certainly,” comments Sistler, “any animal that can diversify this rapidly and evolve sharp teeth, flippers and dossal fins, in part, to evade sophisticated radar fishing techniques, has—at the very least—an innate predisposition to engage in the sort of light-speed biological adaptations that are seen in the very heartiest of survivor animal families. We should not, therefore, underestimate the potential of clowns to mimic and mutate into every possible ecological niche.”

                                                     Related Subjects:

Clown-investments; Clown-Futures; Clown Collateral bond swaps; Clown Deregulation; Clown Genealogies; Clownular Diastrophism,  Clown Euthanasia, controversies and problems; Clown feces, study of; Clown-Policy, national; CCDD (Chronological Clown Decay Disorder); Clown Apparitions; Clown Time-Travel; Clown-TV; Clown-Inoculations for schoolchildren, and related controversies; Clown Control; Secret CIA Clown Prisons;  Clown-Literature—see, “I Know Why The Clown-Bird Sings;” Clown Humor--Dave Barry: :”Hundreds of Clowns Standing On My Lawn At 5-am, Calling Out My Name Over and Over Again, and other Harlequin Tales; Historical Clown Research—see Clowns Throughout History; Clown Dental, Closeted Clowns; Clown Support Organizations; Clown Sterilization Programs, and controversial legislation in relation to—see also Supreme Court, the Clown Proliferation Question: Modeski Illinois vs. Bozo, Crusty, Jiggles, et al., 1994, Supreme Court United States; McDonalds Clown Protectionism, and issues of clown inequality, particularly the Ronald-Bozo dichotomy. Advanced Clown Studies; Clown Metaphysics; Clown Simulators, professional and amateur; Clown Pigments; and Clown Head shaped rocks and other natural formations—See Clown Head National Monument, Kearney Nebraska.

                                                     Wikipedia Policy:

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