America’s Minor Afflictions.

America went to the doctor, who told the rather extensive country that it had too much Florida, and that it would have to be surgically removed. America was concerned, it sounded painful. “Not to worry,” said the doctor; “It’s a simple excision procedure, and much of it will grow back before you even realize it was gone. Still, America was not convinced and sought a second opinion. “How can one have too much Florida?” America thought to itself. “I mean, isn’t it more a question of a dichotomy: One either has Florida, or one doesn’t.” This sounded right to America; after all, America’s neighbor and sometime-friend, Mexico (America didn’t like to admit that being nice to friends on a consistent basis interfered with one’s long term interests at times, as everyone must watch out for themselves, etc., etc.,) didn’t have Florida; no, Mexico had the Yucatan. But that was different, since the Yucatan was not so extensively developed with scales and rivulets and geometric age-lines, or other characteristics which dried out the surface layers and re-channeled moisture. Moreover, Mexico didn’t have a painful Cape Canaveral growing from its periphery, like a series of spiny minarets.

And then there was the Orlando. It was on the other side of Florida, and seemed to be a receptacle for complex plastic polymers, masonry and salt. The doctor called it a dermal manifestation of a “Disneyworld,” and hinted that its primary characteristic was that it attracted thousands of tiny dust-mites. These dust mites came in a great profusion of varieties and loved to suck up moisture. They congregated atop the Orlando like the legs of thousands of miniscule caterpillars suturing their malleable bodies to the leaves of a Locust Bean Tree in August. There was no cure for this insidious nuisance, the doctor told America; and the placement of this particular nuisance made amputation impossible: Florida would have to stay just where it was.

“However,” the physician added, with a theatrical flourish that aroused America’s suspicions that he had planned this dramatic conjunction from the first utterance of the diagnosis, “there is a way you can neutralize the damage caused by this concentration of animalcules across the breadth of the Orlando.” “And what would that be?” asked America somewhat bemusedly. “It’s a special topical cream—it gets right inside the tiny animalcule bodies and…” “What?” asked America, “it kills them?” “No, No,” replied the doctor, “it neutralizes them, makes them lazy and less likely to congregate in one place. You might say it re-focuses their attention on other forms of gratification; which, for your particular problem is ideal.” “So, what is it called?” asked America in anticipation. “Heroin,” said the doctor. “I think you’ll like it; and, more importantly, your dust-mite friends will love it!”

“I don’t understand,” replied America. “If they ‘love it,’ won’t that cause them to multiply?” “Not exactly,” explained the doctor. “You see, Heroin is a facilitating agent; it doesn’t directly do anything that we can measure, but it creates a reaction in the little animalcules; which, in turn, leads to a chain reaction in another class of ‘watchman’ animalcules, who apprehend the heroin immersing mites and take them to tiny glands called ‘penitentiaries.’ Once enough animalcules are embedded in these tiny glands—which hold millions of them—the rest of the mite-economy, if you will, collapses. No more Orlando, no more Disneyworld, no more problems. You are cured and brought back to a healthy state of sterility!”

“What about Florida?” asked America. “Well,” replied the doctor, “the cream won’t get rid of your Cape Canaveral, but we might be able to avoid cutting it off by using special fish to nibble away at it.” “Fish,” intoned America, somewhat incredulously. “Yes, fish; I know it sounds strange, but these little cleaner-fish make their living in the ocean gently sucking barnacles, debris and parasites off of other fish. The largest of them clean whales. If you immerse your Florida in a saline Everglades solution, the fish will take care of the rest.” “That’s great,” sighed America, with noticeable relief. “I was starting to worry that I might lose Florida.” “Well, it would have grown back anyway, Florida is very persistent; but, not to worry, the cream and the cleaner fish should adequately address these minor problems.” “Is this normal stuff at my age?” asked America. “Yes, of course; in fact, you don’t have it that bad; as you get older you may experience Floridian subsidence and sea-level immersion. And, if you think that’s a big problem, just imagine being beset with a large and growing Tokyo, or a Singapore? Now that kind of development can be a real nuisance,” concluded the doctor. And, with that, America limped home, quite satisfied and relieved.

 

JZRothstein 3/10/2014